I will never forget when I got into my car and drove to see my best friend in Ludlow, VT in March 2011. I was losing a pregnancy, my second loss, and was terrified of what the future might hold. Perhaps, a future with no children. I was so distraught that I drove from Boston to Ludlow, Massachusetts instead of Ludlow, Vermont; clearly so out of my mind in despair that I didn't notice I had been traveling in the wrong direction for 2 hours.
Miscarriage is devastating. After the intense joy of learning that you are carrying life within you, the loss hits so hard. I was sad and really angry, if I'm honest. I remember scrolling through FB, seeing friend after friend announce pregnancies and births. I was happy for them, of course, but oh so envious. I'd study infertility/miscarriage forums and try to self-diagnose what was going on; blaming myself for our losses and wondering what I did to cause the loss. Was I too selfish? Did I workout too hard? Did I eat well enough? Sleep enough? Manage my stress well enough? Would my husband want to stay with me if I couldn't have a successful pregnancy?
My OB had told me that there was nothing we could do, if I continued to have miscarriages (4 to be exact), we'd be referred to a specialist. FOUR. I decided not to wait and pushed to be seen within a few weeks. After one of our first screenings, I was diagnosed with a Uterine Septum - our specialist was certain this was causing our infertility.
I had surgery shortly thereafter and was pregnant within two months. Our little Benjamin was born in May 2012 (and Nathan in March of 2014).
Miscarriage is devastating. After the intense joy of learning that you are carrying life within you, the loss hits so hard. I was sad and really angry, if I'm honest. I remember scrolling through FB, seeing friend after friend announce pregnancies and births. I was happy for them, of course, but oh so envious. I'd study infertility/miscarriage forums and try to self-diagnose what was going on; blaming myself for our losses and wondering what I did to cause the loss. Was I too selfish? Did I workout too hard? Did I eat well enough? Sleep enough? Manage my stress well enough? Would my husband want to stay with me if I couldn't have a successful pregnancy?
My OB had told me that there was nothing we could do, if I continued to have miscarriages (4 to be exact), we'd be referred to a specialist. FOUR. I decided not to wait and pushed to be seen within a few weeks. After one of our first screenings, I was diagnosed with a Uterine Septum - our specialist was certain this was causing our infertility.
I had surgery shortly thereafter and was pregnant within two months. Our little Benjamin was born in May 2012 (and Nathan in March of 2014).
I know that Jeff and I are very lucky, that there are so many couples who have fought and struggled for much longer than us. But, that year and a half rocked our worlds. Joy, heartache, confusion, uncertainly, anger, sadness, shame...it became the center of our worlds. It wasn't until I started sharing my experience that more and more friends and family came out of the woodwork to tell us their stories.
It's National Infertility Awareness Week and this is why I'm sharing my story. The theme of the social awareness campaign is #startasking, start asking the tough questions that bring awareness to infertility and bring support for those who need it.
I know there's a stigma and shame surrounding infertility but I hope you'll consider sharing your story, too. I'll be honest, I wasn't sure I wanted to share mine, after all, I know that there are others who have struggled to a much greater degree and those who have endured the heartbreak of knowing they will never have kids. But, there's shame in that thinking too, isn't there?
My experience with infertility, losing my two little angels, going through two D&C's, allowed me to step into my power in a new way; to notice the joy around me (even in the sorrow), to seek support, to exercise self-compassion even when I wanted to beat myself up, to move forward one day at a time and to be grateful for all the ways my life was full, even if I couldn't have what I wanted.
It's National Infertility Awareness Week and this is why I'm sharing my story. The theme of the social awareness campaign is #startasking, start asking the tough questions that bring awareness to infertility and bring support for those who need it.
I know there's a stigma and shame surrounding infertility but I hope you'll consider sharing your story, too. I'll be honest, I wasn't sure I wanted to share mine, after all, I know that there are others who have struggled to a much greater degree and those who have endured the heartbreak of knowing they will never have kids. But, there's shame in that thinking too, isn't there?
My experience with infertility, losing my two little angels, going through two D&C's, allowed me to step into my power in a new way; to notice the joy around me (even in the sorrow), to seek support, to exercise self-compassion even when I wanted to beat myself up, to move forward one day at a time and to be grateful for all the ways my life was full, even if I couldn't have what I wanted.
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