I have a long history of being really hard on myself. I credit that trait for a lot of success I've had but I also credit it for a lot of heartache, too. My therapist would always tell me to be more gentle on myself. Though I sincerely thought that was great advice and it sounded really nice, I also thought it was great advice for someone else.

Because, I seriously believed that people that were gentle on themselves were just really good at giving up, letting themselves off the hook. I was proud of my iron will and knew it got me places. But, it also kept me in the same patterns.

The same patterns I'm helping all the women in my 6-Week to a Fat-Loss Lifestyle for Busy Women dispel {more info here…registration ends on Friday 10/9}. I'm not only giving these women the fundamentals of fat loss - how to eat and train to lose fat - but, we're also working on reversing negative patterns and inviting a little bit more gentleness into the process.
 _ _ _ _ _ 

If you had to count how many Mondays in your life you started a new diet or fitness plan, the plan that would finally stick and work for you once and for all, what’s your number? I conservatively went back 15 years to when I was 19 and counted one Monday a month…180 Mondays over the course of 15 years. That’s 180 times I launched a plan to lose weight and get the body I dreamed of. I’d venture to guess I had dozens more of these Monday launches prior to 19 years old as dieting and fitness plan jumping began early for me. Sounds EXHAUSTING, right?
​

I've studied fitness my whole life because I truly love it but, I've always struggled settling into eating healthy consistently…finding a status quo between being completely ON or completely OFF a diet. I would label myself at any time as being "good" or "bad" and my friends and family became accustomed to either be getting together with a disciplined Jess or an indulgent Jess. Diets would end one of two ways; I'd sacrifice so much for so long, I felt I deserve an indulgence, or I'd go against the rules of the plan and check out for lack of perfect execution.

After a slip-up, rather than throw myself a little self-compassion OR give myself a swift kick in the butt...I gave up. I figured if I was going to mess up, I'd MEEEEES UP! So, after battling my willpower and ordering a carb lovers meal at a restaurant, I’d enjoy some candy at the further expense of the hard work I had already put in. Then, I’d skip the gym the next morning because, who wants to work out when you feel bloated and have low energy? The downward spiral is so easy and the whole time, I'd engage in a mental battle, wondering why I couldn't remember the gung-ho Jess that launched the plan (my full willpower in tact).

Kelly McGonigle, Stanford psychologist and author of “The Willpower Instinct”, calls this throwing up of your hands once you've lost willpower, the “What the Hell!” effect. You eat a cookie that isn't allowed on your diet and you decide that since you've messed up, you might as well eat the whole bag and screw up royally. 

I came to realize that there is no such thing as perfect execution of a diet…at least any diet I want to be on anymore. The quest of perfection is what keeps many of us from success time and time again. We WILL mess up. We WILL have set backs. Because life happens. Everything changed for me, when I started to play around with backing up a not so stellar choice with a great one. Why? Because every little bit counts.

You know those things you love to hate? We all have them, right? Spring cleaning our house, doing a workout that’s REALLY challenging for us, or getting up the motivation to go to a networking event or conference when you just don't want to. 

I’m not talking about the things we really hate…because, those things just suck and I’m all for creating work-arounds to not do those if we really feel bad before, during and after them. I’m also not talking about the things we really love because those things are much easier for us to dial into mentally, even if it is a tough workout. 

I’m talking about the things we LOVE TO HATE. 

We hate doing them, or it might take a very generous amount of extra motivation because it’s somewhat painful, but the reward is why we endure it. With the things we love to hate…we do it for the reward. The pride we feel when our our home is organized and sparkling, the confidence in the mental/physical break-through of a very challenging workout or the happiness we feel for the connections we made at the social event. How do we dig in and endure them?

For me, I have a complete “love-hate” relationship with long distance running. It’s not a part of my normal routine, so when it comes time for me to train for a race, I’m basically starting from scratch each time. I know better than to spend hours sitting around in my running clothes because I WILL talk myself out of it. I’ve always been wired to love shorter, more intense fitness. So, why am I doing a 180-mile relay race with 11 other women this weekend? #RagnarCapeCod. Two reasons; I secretly love running because it’s a complete mental game for me and because I also love the camaraderie of team sports.

Admittedly, since I've been really into weight training lately, I haven't dedicated enough training for this race in particular. But, alas, I have a team of 11 women relying on me to not bail on my runs so I got out this past weekend to log a 7-mile run before the race. It was pretty typical for every non-interval run I do, where my mind tells me a million reasons to stop. I spent the first two miles looking down at my phone every 2 minutes to see how long I had been at it and then doing the math about how far I’d gone. Then, I started telling myself to just walk because my legs felt like lead or my shoe was tied wrong or I should really check FB or get back to so-and-so via email...

This is where my mental game comes in. 

I have a ritual for how I “dig in” when my mind is going to that BAD place with anything I love to hate. I picture how I would feel later if I had given up, I picture someone who would love to see me fail, and then on a gentler side, I start mindfully counting 1-10 over and over and over. On this particular run, I probably got about 20 rounds of counting until I realized I was in a much better mental space. I had started to pay less attention to the negative thoughts, and more attention to my number chant, until I realized I was lighter on my feet, running in tempo to the music in my ear-buds and noticing the sights around me. The run progressed much smoother from there once my mind was right and muscles were looser. Miles 3-7 were not without their mental games, I’d feel a cramp here or there but I’d notice it, start my chant and get back to my zone. When I finished, I was damn proud that I had allowed myself to dig in and get through all the negative talk. That was the most I’ve run since before starting a family four years ago. It was a much needed confidence boost before I go into running 16 miles in 24 hours.

Doing the things we love to hate requires a certain level of grit, of digging in even when we feel like we shouldn’t or can’t...in order to get to the reward. Take foam rolling for example, I don’t know a single person that loves doing it while they are doing it, but the promise of the muscle release is what keeps us gritting our teeth laying on that torture device. :)

Here are my suggestions for figuring out if something you are setting out to do is worth it and if it is, how to dig in for the reward…


IS THIS TRULY SOMETHING YOU SHOULD PUSH FOR?

1. Ask, is this something I truly love to hate? You'll know you love to hate something if it "fills your bucket"…you feel better after you've done it. Maybe not initially, but you know you will. If you're not sure, try it a few times (using suggestions from below) and if you decide you feel worse and you really hate it, replace it.
   
2. Take action and replace it. If you discover you're doing something that never makes you feel good or works for you towards a positive goal...think about what you can replace it with. If you feel worse for doing something, like continuing to try to save an unhealthy relationship, replace it with something positive that fills you with happiness, confidence, pride, love, etc. If you keep digging in to the wrong challenge, you may burn out and never want to leave your comfort zone. Instead, find something that will "fill your bucket".    

                                                                             
ENDURE FOR THE REWARD.
If spring cleaning is satisfying to you and you know you'll feel amazing once you've done it, but you hate doing it….find a way to enjoy it. Invite a friend over and do it together with a glass of wine, put on a great playlist or plan a dinner date with friends for later so you can look forward to that. Or, decide that for every 5 pieces of clothes you finally agree to throw out or donate, you buy yourself one so you can shop when you're done. Remind yourself of what you're looking forward to when you're overwhelmed. Or, less deliberately, come up with an image or a chant or breathing pattern, a la counting sheep, that gets your mind out of the negative space so you can do the act at hand. I find myself counting 1-10 sometimes when I'm running from my car to my condo building in bitter cold weather, it's a way to not think about feeling cold for me. It's sort of automatic for me now. 

I'm interested to hear from you, what do you LOVE TO HATE and how do endure it? 

If you like what you've read, you're welcome to follow me @jessicaoar on Instagram, on FB at Be PowerFULL for Women at www.jessicaoar.com or, better yet, sign up for my email database here.